WHAT IS IT?
Comedy, by Ken Bradbury, 2005
The setting is the “Refunds and Exchange” department. The attempted return of an item becomes an exercise in frustration.
Price includes 2 scripts.
- 2 Females
- 1 Female, 1 Male
- 2 Males
Product Id: #271
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An excerpt …
(seems like a typical day at the office)
Lee: Is this the Returns and Refunds Department?
Wallace: Certainly. How can I help you?
Lee: I want to bring this back … (reaching into an imaginary purse or pocket) …
Wallace: Wait! Wait! Hold it! Let me guess!
Wallace: It’s a little game I play to pass the time. Sometimes I can look at a person’s face and tell what they’re returning.
Lee: You can? That’s remarkable.
Wallace: Not really. I’m usually wrong.
Lee: Well, I really doubt that …
Wallace: No, no, let me try. (thinking) Let’s see … your height, your weight, your disposition … If I were guessing, I’d say…
Lee: Look, it’s just a …
Wallace: Stop! Didn’t I tell you to let me guess it?
(the clerk has a personal agenda)
Lee: Look, I just wanted to return this and …
Wallace: Oh yes! That’s very important, isn’t it? My whole life is falling apart before your very eyes but that doesn’t matter to you …You, with normal children and sane dogs … Because you’ve got to return your stupid little …
Lee: How dare you to talk to me that way! I’m leaving! (turns to go)
Wallace: Hold it! Wait! Please! I was kidding!
Wallace: I was kidding about the kids and dogs. I don’t have any kids and dogs make me sneeze.
Lee: Then what were you …?
Wallace: Just teasing ... really … just passing time. Look, our store is in tough competition with K-Wall down the street. It’s a part of our customer service policy. They want us to entertain the customer … make ‘em laugh. Hey, if I get Employee of the Month I’ll get my own parking spot and a bonus.
(the customer turns the table)
Lee: (stops … looks on the floor behind) Oh! You’ve broken it!
Wallace: (frantic) What? I’ve broken what?
Lee: Oh, like you don’t know.
Wallace: I don’t know! I promise I don’t know! How can I know what I just broke when you won’t tell me what it is?
Lee: Look at it … all broken and busted and torn apart and stepped on …
Wallace: (pushing Lee aside and looking at the floor) What are you? There’s nothing here.
Lee: I’m a professional actor. I was in Star Bores, Return of the Chef.
Wallace: I quit.
Wallace: I quit this job. I’m going crazy. (leaving) Tell them I quit.
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