Comedy, by Ken Bradbury, 2008

Two girls join a pirate ship. Who knows the ropes?

The number and gender of characters can be changed to accommodate available participants. Price is for a master script. Make as many copies as is required for your ensemble.


8 - 10 minutes

    Cast Options

  • 3 Females

Product Id: #815

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An excerpt …

(the girls join a pirate crew)

CLAREECE: (turning to “appear”) But I don’t want to be.  Oh, Mimsy, this was a bad idea. This was a really bad idea. I mean, I read so many books about pirates and swordfights and ships … I just thought it’d be fun to try it, but now that I’m actually here …

MIMSY: But the ad said we’d be rich! (takes out an imaginary piece of paper) “The chance of a lifetime! Sail with the world’s most notorious woman pirate, Captain Vanya. Share in the gold and silver to be found in the seven seas! Some restrictions may apply.”

CLAREECE: Restrictions? Like what?

MIMSY: “May be required to murder, pillage, plunder, and generally mess up the world … references required.”

(Vanya is the Pirate Queen)

CAPT. VANYA: First day out! Let us train a bit, ladies! Let Captain Vanya see what stuff you’re made of! The situation … The King’s flagship, His Majesty’s Golden Bulldog is in sight! (the girls peer out into the distance and react to all of this) The Good Ship Petticoat Spots her!

CLAREECE: (waves daintily) Ahoy! Ahoy!

VANYA: (as both Vanya and Mimsy slowly turn to her and her weak response) Pitiful … but we shall move on. The Bulldog is curious … she moves toward us … we hail her.

CLAREECE & MIMSY: Hail! Yoo-Hoo!

VANYA: She thinks we are friendly … they get closer … closer … closer …’til finally … We attack! (Clareece and Mimsy both yell and jump head-long into a vicious mock sword fight… slashing, stabbing, shouting, as Captain Vanya simply crosses her arms and looks on in disgust.. After they’ve slashed away for some time, the Captain shouts …) Stop!

MIMSY: How were we, Sir?

VANYA: (first, a long look of disbelief, then) How do I put this? How about … awful?

(under attack Capt. Vanya forgets her advice)

VANYA: Oh, please! Don’t tell them I’m a you-know-what.

CLAREECE: (very loudly) A Pirate?!!

MIMSY: Clareece!

VANYA: (as she’s being dragged along) No! No! Not the plank! Not the plank!

CLAREECE: But why didn’t you …

VANYA: I panicked! I blew it, okay? Look, everybody has a bad day! (looking down) Are those sharks? Could we negotiate?

MIMSY: Charm him, Vanya! Say something!

VANYA: Uh ... you don’t smell bad for a pirate.


VANYA: Uh … How about them Cubs?

MIMSY: Vanya!VANYA: (to her captors) Must you shove? I swear, if I take one more step I’m going to … (and she is gone … overboard to the fishies)

CLAREECE: (running to  rail with Mimsy) Captain Vanya!

MIMSY: How’d that happen? She was supposed to be the expert!

CLAREECE: Panic, I guess ... but don’t worry … she’ll get it back.


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