Monologue - Comedy, by Ken Bradbury, 2016
Opportunity for playing various characters as the hero daydreams while working as a lifeguard at a swimming pool. Fighting Moby Dick, riding the waves in Hawaii and fending off hordes of marauding pirates are just a few of the hilarious scenarios encountered.
Duration9 - 12 minutes
- 1 Male
- 1 Female
Product Id: #146
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An excerpt …
A monologue for either a male or female. It is written in episodic form so it can easily be edited to provide a shorter version.
GUARD: You want to see a picture of bored? Then take a look at me … a lifeguard. All day long sitting on my perch watching children trying to drown each other. Okay, they don’t exactly do that but sometimes I wish … oh never mind. (blowing an imaginary whistle) “Hey! Hey! No running!” I get so sick of this … the same thing every day. Parents drop off their kids and expect us to … “I said No Running! Look kid! I’ve got a gun and I know how to use it! Okay, it’s a squirt gun, but it’s loaded with ice water! Now slow down!”
Okay, it’s not a hard job. I hardly ever go in the water except to give some old guy a boost out of the shallow end. Sometimes their trunks get waterlogged and they need a lift. Anybody gets in trouble I throw them a lifebuoy. That’s what they teach … only go in the water as a last resort and in this pool we don’t have any last resorts. The big problem? Just staying awake. I mean, you get in real trouble if you fall asleep on the job. It’s embarrassing to wake up and see the paramedics hauling someone off. “Hey kid! Your trunks are sagging! Pull ‘em up! Pull ‘em up!” That is so disgusting. Man, I’m tired … got in too late last night. Gotta fight it … but my eyes … heavy … so darned …
(He nods off just briefly, then springs to life as Ishmael.) Captain! Captain Ahab! I see him! The great white whale! (as Ahab) Argh! My old enemy, Moby Dick! Man the harpoon boats, lads! We’re off to kill that whale! (as Ishmael) But Captain, he’s too large! He’ll sink us! (Ahab) Who cares? As long as I take him down with me! He got my leg and now I’m about to cut out the villain’s heart! Give me that harpoon! (Ishmael) But Captain! (Ahab) I said give it to me! (Ishmael) But Captain! (Ahab) Get back, you cowards! I go it alone! Captain Ahab and Moby Dick, fight to the death! (Ishmael) I can’t look! Moby Dick’s got Ahab in his jaws! He’s closing his mouth on the Captain and … look out, Captain! Look out! … (yawns and comes to his senses) “Look out! Hey kid! Look out! You about hit that lady with your inner tube! I don’t care if it was your mother, cut it out!” Man, I must have dozed … no … no sleeping on the job. I wasn’t asleep … just … maybe the sun. Maybe it was just the sun and … (yawns) Oh, this is so boring. I gotta stay awake … I gotta stay awake … I gotta … I gotta …
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