ORDER! ORDER!

Comedy, by Robert L. Crowe, 1996

A customer encounters a restaurant waiter in a continual series of humorous one-liners. 'We have everything on the menu.' 'Yes, I see that. Could I have a clean one?' It's all in the timing.

Price includes 2 scripts.

Duration

8 - 10 minutes

    Cast Options

  • 2 Males

Product Id: #221

Price
$12.00
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An excerpt …

(Maybe you’ve been in this restaurant.)

GUEST: Excuse me.

WAITER: You’re excused.

GUEST: I mean ... pardon me!

WAITER: Sorry. I can forgive you but only the Governor can issue a pardon.

GUEST: Look! I’ve been standing here for quite some time.

WAITER: Yes, I noticed.

GUEST: Aren’t you going to wait on me?

WAITER: Sure. That’s why they call me a waiter. I can wait on you a little while but I’m really very busy. (folds arms) If we were much busier I couldn’t wait on you at all.

GUEST: (becoming a bit perturbed) I meant ... do you take reservations?

WAITER: No. General Custer tried that and look what happened to him.

(The ordering process becomes a chore.)

WAITER: Sort of. We have what we call the “special of the week.”

GUEST: Yes. Well, what is the special this week?

WAITER: The Heimlich Maneuver. Oh. Would you care for a drink before dinner? We do have a special of the day.

GUEST: Well, I am a little dry ...

WAITER: I know.

GUEST: ... what is the special drink of the day?

WAITER: It’s called the Radar Cocktail. It’s rum, whisky, gin, vodka and garlic.

GUEST: My goodness! Wouldn’t that knock you out?

WAITER: Yes, but with the garlic we would know what table you’re under

(Enough is enough.)

WAITER: If you’re going out on the street I wonder if you’d distribute some flyers advertising our restaurant.

GUEST: That’s the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard! I wouldn’t even tell the fire department where this restaurant is.

WAITER: Come on. Be a sport. I’ll give you a free meal if you do!

GUEST: The last thing in the world I would do is to eat something from this place. That’s probably the last thing anyone would do. I’m going right down the street and report this restaurant. (starts to leave)

WAITER: You gonna report us to the Health Department?

GUEST: (stops) I’m going to report you to the Health Department, the Water Department …  the Department Store … the Federal Bureau of Investigation and … (looks at audience) to the Bureau of Missing Portions! (he stalks out)

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