GRANDEST LARCENY, THE

Comedy, by Ken Bradbury, 1994

This comedy depicts an interchange between a burglar and a sleepy home owner. It is a light-hearted look at the possibilities when all does not go as expected for the burglar nor the home owner.

Price includes 2 scripts.

Duration

8 - 10 minutes

    Cast Options

  • 2 Females
  • 1 Female, 1 Male
  • 2 Males

Product Id: #212

Price
$12.00
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An excerpt …

(There is a burglar.)

CON: Agh! (to herself) Stupid. (looks around carefully, then backs into a chair and falls spraddle-legged on the floor)

ED: (turning to face the audiences as if entering the room and peering into the darkness) Who’s there? (a pause ... nothing) I know there’s someone here! (another pause) I might as well tell you that I’m scared to death but I get very violent when I’m scared! (nothing. Con lies motionless trying to see Ed in the darkness) All right. Stay where you are. I’m turning on the lights! (neither moves) I said “I’m turning on the lights!”

CON: You said that once.

ED: What?

CON: Never mind.

(It’s not your typical confrontation.)

ED: Don’t move! (Con stops) I’m calling the police! (moves to phone DS)

CON: (screaming) Don’t touch that phone!

ED: (stops) Why not?

CON: I don’t know. I heard it in a movie once.

ED: I’m calling the police.

CON: No! ... It’s got my fingerprints all over it. You wanna destroy the evidence?

ED: (looks at phone) Oh.

CON: Look ... let’s just forget this ever happened, OK? You go back to bed, I’ll go rob somebody else’s house and ...

ED: So you’re a robber!

CON: (grimacing, realizing that he’s given it away) Oh ...

(The thief decides there’s nothing nice enough to steal.)

ED: (xing quickly to block the exit) You cannot leave this house without taking something!

CON: What?

ED: You want to make me the laughing stock of the neighborhood? A thief breaks into my house and doesn’t take a thing?

CON: Hey ... you bought this junk, not me!

ED: (getting desperate, moving to an imaginary lamp on the table) Look ... this lamp. Genuine Tiffany. Please take it.

CON: (inspecting it) Sears.

ED: What?

CON: It came from Sears. 1987 half price Christmas catalog. Page 237.

ED: (flabbergasted) How did you ...

CON: I know my junk. You don’t just walk into this business. It takes an education. I got my Ph.D.

ED: You’re a Doctor of Philosophy?

CON: Ph.D. Prowling Houses After Dark.

ED: But isn’t there ... I mean, isn’t there anything here you want to take?

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