Comedy, by Ken Bradbury, 1994

The character of Pat is one of those. You know at least one. They count calories, look for poly-unsaturated sandwiches, oppose glutamate gluttons and ... and more. Two friends go to lunch at a big buffet.

Price includes 2 scripts.


8 - 10 minutes

    Cast Options

  • 2 Females
  • 1 Female, 1 Male
  • 2 Males

Product Id: #203

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An excerpt …

(Time for lunch!)

JEAN: Look, I’ve starved myself for two days to get ready for this feast. This is the best buffet in town and I’m not gonna pay this price for bean sprouts and tofu. (continues to load food, then looking at Pat’s plate) Aren’t you eating?

PAT: The salads are right down there.

(There is fat in the food you are eating …)

JEAN: Great. (begins to eat again)

PAT: And it’s saturated fat at that.

JEAN: (choking) What?!!!!

PAT: It’s saturated fat ... the worst way.

JEAN: (aims fork as if flipping potatoes) I am gonna give you some mashed potatoes in the worst way if you don’t stop that.

PAT: Look, stop making such a scene. I’m just talking science here.

JEAN: And I’m talking justifiable homicide! “Friend Murders Friend in Local Buffet ... stabbed to death with sharpened celery stalk as noon crowd cheers!” Geesh!

(The weight-watcher has the facts.)

PAT: (looking at Jean’s plate) Go ahead and eat. Look at that lasagna. ... potassium sorbate, poly-sorbate 60, lactic acid, hydrolyzed soy protein, garlic, alginate, and undoubtedly enough monosodium glutamate to keep it fresh until the supper crowd gets here. I say at least ... 1400 calories. Over half of what you should be eating all day long. (Jean sits there in mid-gulp, dumb-founded by all this gastronomic explosion) I mean ... (calming a bit) I’m very sorry I’ve had to tell you all this but as your friend I think it’s my duty to let you know what you’re doing to yourself. (no response) I mean, I hope I didn’t make you mad or anything. (nothing) Because if you are, I can just be quiet. I can just sit here and let you eat yourself into a fatty grave. I can ... (Jean stands) What’s the matter? (Jean is moving toward Pat) What are you doing? Are you going to hurt me? If you’re going to hurt me ... then, I’m calling the manager!


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