BAM 'EM, LIZZIE, BAM 'EM
Comedy, by Ken Bradbury, 1995
How we all yearn for Aunt Lizzie ... who would give a slap-up-the-side-of-the-head to all those who don't ask permission: insurance, mail order firms, telephone companies ... and us.
Duration5 - 8 minutes
- 1 Male
- 1 Female
Product Id: #101
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An excerpt …
Being only three years old … and about half wicked at the time … I reached out and grabbed one of the strawberries. Aunt Lizzie looked down her nose, through her glasses and straight to where I was standing. I grabbed another and popped it into my mouth. Just as I was grabbing for the third berry, Aunt Lizzie’s hand shot out and clamped mine in mid-air. “Did I hear you ask permission?” she said. Being uncommonly brave at the time … or more likely, extremely stupid … I reached out with the other hand and grabbed another strawberry.
(Seems to be a lot of folks who don’t ask permission.)
We opened more mail. One came from a credit card company. Without our asking they sent us a brand new card. And I quote “Enclosed is one of our new cards for people we’ve identified as our PREFERRED customers!” (Yeh, us and 20 million others. It went on … ) “The enclosed little piece of plastic is your ticket to freedom!” (I think that Attila-the-Hun was the first to use that phrase when addressing the conquered peasants of France.) Well, to summarize, which this letter never tried to do, the jist of it was this: If we buy any plane tickets with the credit card, they will automatically charge us for flight insurance! Aunt Lizzie would have her work cut out for her. “Did I hear you ask permission?” Bam!!!
(…and they just keep coming. Where’s help when you need it?)
And of course we are all victims of the companies that sell our names and addresses to others. That’s how we get all our catalogues and the telephone calls at the dinner table. Our names and numbers are being given out by so many companies that Aunt Lizzie could have herself a full-time job.
“Did I hear you ask permission?” Pow!
“You gave my name to whom?” Whack!
“You’re charging me what?” Bam!
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